thought for the day

“… She was the purest beauty

But not the common kind

She had a way about her

That made you feel alive … “

– Lady Antebellum

Ron Weasley, what?

This is the latest video from my new favorite artist, Ed Sheeran. His album is currently number one in the UK and I assure you he’s going to be HUGE here in the States – just give it some time. Even though this is one of his pop-ier songs, he’s worth a listen because this kid is pure talent.

And no, I have no idea why the kid from Harry Potter is in it… Everyone knows Twilight is better.

And here’s him being a badass live:

thought for the day

“A person is a person because he recognizes others as persons.” – Desmond Tutu

Today is Spirit Day – a day in which Americans wear purple as a sign of their support for LGBT youth and the end of bullying. Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you know the difficulties faced by LGBT youth nowadays. Despite our culture’s increased acceptance of homosexuality over the past few decades, I’m of the belief that we are leaps and bounds away from true equality.

I was at dinner with some girls two nights ago, one of which was a girl I just met. I was in the middle of sipping my margarita, when this newcomer blurted out “It’s just so gay…” – and then I cringed. People are ignorant, naive, and some are downright prejudicial. Do I think she meant it as an insult, in an effort to discriminate against gays? No, of course not. But far too often we fail to look – or in this case listen – from another’s perspective.

Put yourself in another human’s shoes: Envision being a citizen in this country and knowing that your government doesn’t allot you the same rights as your neighbors. Imagine the insults and torment LGBT youth are subjected to by their peers, congregations, and family. Attempt to comprehend the degree of isolation and pain they endure for something they have no control over. Thoreau once wrote, “Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others’ eyes for an instant?” Think about it, y’all…

At the very least, STOP using “gay” as a pejorative … Ok, I’m done.

Someday, my home will look like this:

Check Yes or No. (And quit wasting my time, bro)

I listened to this song a lot during my last breakup and I heard it again this morning. It’s just so… beautiful. Simplistically raw and candid. I relate because of how fiercely vulnerable she is – she captures perfectly that sense of desperation we all feel when we can’t have what we want: When we try so hard to get someone out of our head, wishing he was as hung up on us as we are him; Aching for some semblance of balance in the degree of longing and desire we feel; When you’re dying for someone to be dying for you… To be seen, heard and appreciated. My last breakup brought every bit of that insanity out of me.

But hearing it today made me think of it in another context… This song is perfect because it’s everything the rules of dating tell us not to do. Don’t appear needy or desperate. Don’t text him first. Don’t be too available. Don’t Don’t Don’t… Because let’s face it, dating is a game – one that I’m admittedly horrific at, for the record. When he says this, he really means this. When I say this, I really mean this. Be mysterious, but not weird. Expect him to pay, but still offer. Don’t talk about past relationships, but don’t make it seem like you’ve never been on a damn date before. Be interested, but not stalkerish. Include that you like to write, but don’t mention your blog because he’ll instantly know you’re a real loser…

It’s illogical to the point of exhaustion. It’s false advertising at its finest.  It’s a power struggle: How many times each of you says you have other plans before finally meeting up. The number of screened calls before an answered one. How long it takes to text the other one back. It’s like some sick competition – constantly trying to one-up one another with how well one can balance the high beam of simultaneously interested and uninterested.

My girlfriends and I talk a lot about this horribly masochistic thing called casual dating (ok, that’s a bit dramatic but you get the point). Some of my friends are more emotionally distant than most men I know, others have a new future husband every week. We compare notes on how we made jackasses out of ourselves, how we played it cool, and how great or how much of an asshole he is. We discuss the common misconceptions and failures in perceived intentions. (No, wanting you text me back in an appropriate length of time does not equate to me wanting to introduce you to my mother, moron. No, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m perpetually on the hunt for my next relationship. Me saying “You’re really funny” isn’t code for “I have a Lisa Frank notebook at home with your name written in hearts in twenty different fonts.”) Gag me.

Why is it so difficult for people to say to one another “I think you’re really cool, and I’d like to spend time with you again” – and that be it. Nothing more, nothing less. And how much easier would that be? Because then you’ll cut to the chase and hang out sooner and save yourself both some time by seeing if they actually do suck. Instead, this ridiculous “it takes forever to go on a few dates because we can’t be overly eager” dance continues that’s about as sexy as Nancy Grace’s cha-cha on Dancing With The Stars.

Now I’ll admit- it’s starting to get to me. Not in the “I’m throwing in the towel and joining a convent” sense, but I’m just finding myself increasingly discouraged by the lack of openness that we’re expected to exhibit toward one another. I think that it’s especially difficult for me because I’m transparent by nature – as much as I try to be guarded, I’m an open book. I can be dramatic, stubborn, insecure and a whole cocktail of less than flattering attributes – but dishonest I’m not, kids (Insert cliche Marilyn Monroe/Sex and the City quote here).

So I’m going to try to be a little less schemy and manipulative for a bit and see where that gets me… probably the fast-track towards my next blog post entitled “True Life: I’m Apparently That Overbearing and Crazy Girl.” No big deal.

Now Accepting Donations

So I have this friend that I absolutely adore… To be more specific, she was my first “real” friend when I moved to New York. She’s hilarious. She’s brilliant and spontaneous. She hasn’t the slightest clue how stunningly beautiful she is. She’s also a bit… cooky? For instance, she just spent $700 on THIS:

Because she’s a maniac. And I love her. Did I mention seven hundred dollars?! (I’ve heard in some parts of America – a.k.a. not Manhattan – that’s a person’s rent. Crazy, I know.)

Now let’s get something straight – lingerie may have been intended for men, but it is equally beloved by women. You can wear it for yourself. It’s dainty and feminine and elegant. Sex aside,wearing thigh highs when no one else knows instantly makes a girl feel alluring and sexy. It’s empowering to tap into your “I am woman – hear me roar” side. It’s a way to invest in your confidence. It’s an indulgence. (If men get PS2’s, fantasy football  drafts and Vegas “outings” – I get my see-through lace push-up bra.)

With that being said, I don’t think I could ever blow $700 on a single ensemble… But I’m not going to pretend to be so humble as to say I wouldn’t potentially/possibly/never-say-never accept it as a gift? Because, seriously – look. at. that. 

On a more important note: How rude is it that someone photoshopped some chick’s face onto my body? Damn I look good.

A Letter To My 18-Year-Old Self

Steer clear of people who act like they have everything figured out. Life is a never-ending process of learning, growing, messing up, learning some more, and then still not knowing everything. There was a time in my life in which I thought I knew the all the answers: What I wanted out of life, where I was headed and would eventually end up. I was wrong – very wrong. I was so wrong that myself “back then” wouldn’t recognize myself today. The crazy part? I’m OK with that today. Even more shocking? I’m glad that the plan I had for myself back then isn’t the route I took. I had to grow up. I had to learn the hard way to appreciate the things that I’ve come to be grateful for today.

Everyone has a story. Now is not the time nor place to divulge mine in its entirety, or even partially. Those that know me know. But time has the ability to put things into perspective and looking back upon it makes one realize how much has changed. I thought back to who I was at 18 and compared it to the person I am today at 24 and I decided to write about it. And yes, in another six years, I plan on writing “A Letter To My 24-Year-Old Self.”

To My 18-Year-Old Self:

Let the way you see God be your own. Stop relying on what everyone tells you about God and go out and find Him yourself. God can’t be explained by mere theology, religion or denomination. Everything you think you know now is only a fraction. You will soon be angry with Him, scream and curse at Him aloud on a beach, and then you’ll encounter Him in an entirely new way and be grateful for it. Stop fearing Him – he’s not out to punish you. Start asking questions instead of blindly following. He’s big enough to handle it.

Remain grateful in all circumstances. You’re going to see some brutal, real things. You’re going to meet people with stories that make you question the limits of human perseverance. You’re going to go to Africa and step into a world that you thought only existed in National Geographic. You’re going to see suffering and injustice and it’s going to literally upset you so much that you’ll step outside and puke. Be grateful for what you have. Always. And never – NEVER – stop fighting for the ones without a voice.

Never underestimate your ability to hurt someone. Intentions only matter so much: It’s what you do that counts. You’re going to learn the true meaning of shame because you’re going to stare it in the face as it punches you in the gut and brings you to your knees. You’re going to know what it feels like to hurt from seeing the pain you caused someone else. You possess far more power than you know. And even though you may not believe them or understand why now – people are going to love you. And there lies a lot of responsibility in love.

What happened wasn’t your fault, nor a reflection of who you are. It was bad – really bad. But what he did was his choice. And there is no excuse for it. None. Stop right now thinking that you deserved it. It had nothing to do with you: Had you been “better” in any way, it wouldn’t have changed a thing. There’s nothing anyone can do to become more lovable or worthy of love because we are all equally deserving. Take away from it that some people are sick, know the symptoms, and flee from those that mimic them later in life.

With that being said, you have to deal with it. You’re going to discover a whole slew of things in the future that possess the ability to distract you momentarily from those years and it will work – but only for an instant. What happened can’t be erased from your memory, nor its effects smothered. You must process and internalize it and talk to others about how to keep it from dictating your life. It won’t be easy – because painful things never are. In the years to come, you’ll still have nightmares- you’ll still wake up screaming and tangled in sweat-soaked sheets at 3 am. The tears will still come at inopportune times. It’s unavoidable. But what is avoidable is hurting yourself in the process of trying to ignore it- the measures you will take won’t affect him, only yourself. And you deserve to be taken care of for a change.

Not everyone is out to get you. You don’t always have to act tough. People are either smarter than you think (and see right through it) or they’ll just think you’re a bitch. And no matter how you try to come across, you care. A lot. Don’t sell yourself short. In a few short years, you’ll encounter some of the most beautifully caring, patient and inspirational people of your life. Wait to meet them before you judge the world and people’s intentions. Ignore those who aren’t worthy of your loyalty. You’re going to spend far too much time crying and grieving over those who betray you. No one is your friend who won’t give to you what you’ve already given to them.

Anger will only hurt you in the end. You have to let it go – for no one but yourself. It will consume you. It will eat you alive. Before you know it, you’ll look in the mirror and not recognize your own reflection. The only thing to be taken away from experiences of this sort is yet another lesson in how to not treat another human being in an effort to better yourself. And yes, karma is a bitch – so let her do her job (because she’s good at it).

You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to get a phone call that’s going to knock the wind out of you. You’re going shake your fist at the sky and question “why.” You’re going to cry so hard that your eyes will burn and your face will be swollen for days. You’re to fail at something you gave your all at. The one you thought you were going to marry is going to leave you. But you will be OK. It will make you stronger. And it was still worth it. (Seriously, you should have learned this by now…)

You’re going to make mistakes. Your job is to learn from them, not hate yourself. You’re going to do some really dumb shit. Like, really dumb. And people will know about it: They’re going to gossip about you, try to make you feel like an outcast, and it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel small. But remember that you’re human. Don’t spend so much time painstakingly agonizing over your mistakes and internally berating yourself. Learn from it, be done with it and, for God’s sake, walk into that room with your head held high.

If it’s unhealthy, end it. You’re a fighter. You want to fix things. Mostly, you don’t want to give up on potential. One of the hardest yet most courageous moments in your life will be the choice to walk away. (It will take you over a decade to do it, and you’ll question for years beforehand if you can really do it – but you’ll succeed and you’ll be free.) If a relationship is broken – if you’re not getting what you’re giving, if you’re not happy, if you’re still thinking you have the ability to change another person – Walk. Away. Self-respect and dignity are irreplaceable.

You – and only you – are what defines you. You’re going to allow the things you’ve been through to explain who and what you are. Though they will always be a part of why you are you – they aren’t the sole reason. God gave you passions and ambitions and qualities galore that weigh far more heavily than anything else. Stop looking back and start looking forward. You can be whatever the hell you want to be because it’s YOUR LIFE.

Things change. Embrace it. It gets better. You are going to grow up. You’ll soon find yourself aligning yourself with certain ideas and people who you once deemed wrong. You’re going to travel and move all over the country. Your favorite band will change, as will your haircolor. You’re going to fall in and out of love – more than once. Keep learning to love yourself. Keep following your bliss. Keep striving to have had an interesting life… and you will.

thought for the day

“Money is our madness, our vast collective madness.”

– David Herbert Lawrence

Having recently written out my $1,500 rent check (a.k.a. “my monthly nervous breakdown”), I’m in dire need of a reminder that money isn’t everything. That there are more important things in life to focus on and strive for. I recognize that this is easier said than done when you actually have money to fall back on, which I currently don’t. Hence the reason I need to hear it all the more.

… Chances are, you probably do, too.

PostSecret

Honesty [on-uh-stee] noun, plural -ties. 1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness 2. truthfulness, sincerity or frankness 3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Honesty may always be the best policy, but it’s certainly not always the easiest to implement. How often do people stretch the truth, withhold certain pieces of information, or blatantly lie? We all have our reasons for doing so: Fear of hurting other people, judgment, repercussion, rejection, loss of control over a given situation… But what it boils down to is fear. Somewhere along the line we were introduced to one of the nastiest and debilitating of feelings – shame. We’re ashamed of our mistakes, shortcomings and skeletons. We’re scared that if people see who and what we really are, we might suddenly become less lovable. We’re terrified that the time we took painstakingly building an image of ourselves to present to the world will be in vain – instantly be shattered by the utterance of a few words. It’s a hell of a lot easier to be “like-able” than authentic.

We’re also afraid to be honest because of another adage: “The truth hurts.” Certain truths in life, no matter how they’re presented, can cause pain to a degree that words fail to express. The first time we see the one we love with another we forget how to breathe. When he says “It’s over,” we wonder when we’ll be able to wake up again without dreading the day ahead… Sometimes we avoid the truth subconsciously in the form of lying to ourselves. We keep telling ourselves that someone will change because admitting that they won’t means we have to walk away. We focus on how another wronged us to avoid taking responsibility for our part. We pretend to be ok because it’s easier than admitting that we’re in trouble. Acting angry is less vulnerable than acknowledging that our feelings are hurt.

I deem genuine, I-don’t-give-a-shit-I’m-saying-it-anyways honesty a rarity. Which is why I’m such an avid fan of PostSecret, a book that encourages people to write down their deepest secrets on postcards and send them in for anonymous publication. It’s been around for a while and the response over the years has been beyond overwhelming… We’re talking in the millions. Wanna know why? Because people are dying for an outlet. A chance to be themselves. An ounce of relief.

They may not all be pretty, but they’re honest… and in turn beautifully real. And yes, it makes me question how grand the ripple effect on the world would be if we were more courageous from time to time. Here’s a few of my favorites:

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Don’t Lie – You’ve Been There, Too

Look, we all have those days where we’re not on our mental A-game. Those days when you stand naked in front of the mirror and calculate how much it would cost to get all the plastic surgery that you want done. Those days when you feel like every time you open your mouth it all comes out wrong. Those days when you walk outside and you’re pretty sure someone’s playing a really mean trick on you because every single person passing by is either holding hands with another or they’re wearing a wedding ring. Today was one of those days… So I decided to make myself a list (partially out of humor and partially because every now and again you’re allowed to have a slight pity-party).

Wouldn’t I be so cool if I:

• legitimately didn’t care what anyone thought about me
• had an English accent
• only gained weight in my boobs
• could actually sleep the whole night in someone’s arms instead of rolling over and saying goodnight
• didn’t read trashy celebrity gossip websites… daily
• had the ability to show some restraint every now and again
• didn’t get bored after ten minutes in any given museum
• came with my own theme music and my life was like a musical
• was “that girl” that always looked put together
• didn’t squeal with glee every time a Law & Order SVU marathon comes on
• could play the guitar and write music
• could say that I’ve never been to therapy
• had the balls to get a massive tattoo and dye my hair a ridiculous color
• knew how to take a compliment without getting awkward
• didn’t want to immediately disassociate with people who aren’t in love with Penny (scratch that, Penny’s incredible)
• was best friends with Chelsea Handler
• knew how to work my iPhone
• didn’t cry at the drop of a hat
• could whistle
• was a wine connoisseur
• could wave a magic wand, turn myself into a lesbian and never have to deal with men again
• listened to eclectic indie rock bands
• wasn’t a bonafide Facebook stalker
• didn’t always feel the need to act tough
• was a morning person (who am I kidding, everyone hates morning people)
• was “the funny one”
• had a wardrobe that wasn’t all gray, black, or navy
• was an awesome cook
• didn’t make people uncomfortable by subjecting them to my hour-long rants about Africa
• didn’t stay up until all hours of the night blogging… like a loser…

Hey, at least I’m honest.